Oh Baby!

September 1st we Baptized Kensley. It was on my mothers birthday. We had the great honor of having her great grandfather Parkinson there as well as Auntie and Uncle Uli. She looked so beautiful and happy. Kaylen started Jr. High and she loves everything about it except her brother being there and her art teacher. But all else she loves the change. She makes me laugh sometimes so hard that I cry. The things that she says and does and the way she explains it cracks me up. I love how she describes things that Oma does that embarrass her. I only laugh because I totally understand. As much as we love Oma, she does keep life on your toes when she is around. Kyson is amazing to me. He can be a Know it all though. But I admire that he is so comfortable with him being him. Matt sometimes thinks a little two comfortable, but that I think is a gift. Kelsey is doing really well in 6th grade. I really worried how she was going to handle it with Kaylen and Britt going to Jr. High, but she stepped up to the plate and has taken it upon herself to crack out of her shell. Years of suffering from anxiety, I am super proud that she was able to push forward. She is really helpful with Kensley now that I am working full time and not able to come home during the day to check on them. Kensley is an animal lover and just a happy full of life gal. She loves to create things and loves to care for things. She has a very kind soul. October we found out about our little surprise. Really? stills seems like the appropriate response to me, but the belly doesn't lie and it is getting very hard to hide. Why hide? Because of our track record. This is number 10 pregnancy. Since we had a 50/50 chance of keeping it, I thought we would just expect not to have it. It is this reason that really motivated me to journal after so long. I don't want to forget this feeling. November and December was very ruff. I am seasoned with the first trimester to understand what it is when I feel it. Unfortunately, I also understand mother natures way of helping you forget it. Since I have three girls, I want to be able to recall. It's sad to say but I do not like being pregnant. Feeling like your car sick 24-7 is just not my thing. Thank heavens that 12-13 weeks relief was my friend. I hear people say they just felt tiered never sick. Can I just say that is so unfair. When I add up all the time I have spend in first trimester it equals to 2 years of my life! Yuck! That is two years of only having a window of 4 hours a day that you can even think to eat food. Each morning waking up with headaches and gaging on the tooth brush. Two years of catching yourself falling asleep during the day. Two years of throbbing feet (as my heals always throb when I am pregnant). Two years of your chest feeling like it is on Fire. Not to also mention your eyes that long to sleep and trying to stay away makes them burn. Then there is the horrible false hope that when you finally get to go to sleep, you suddenly can't. Your wide awake. It is a horrible trick! Two years of wondering if you are going to keep or lose this baby. It is very agonizing. Truly just knowing would help you deal with all the above symptoms. In past pregnancy, I learned to watch and track the baby closely through blood tests and ultrasounds. This is expensive, but I found that sometimes, I do not miscarry right away after the baby dies. Sometimes he placenta keeps growing, so you still produce the HGC that makes all these side effect. I have learned it is easier for me to get a D&C done at this point, when we are all sure that the Baby has past. Once I had the D&C, I instantly started to feel better. Having children already, feeling pregnant with no hope of a baby to me was not worth it. I have other children and they need there mom to help them. If I still pregnant sick, it is emotionally hard on me as well as physically, so the D&C has been a blessing for me. I have passed one before. It was very emotional and physical as well. There was a lot of blood and I spent hours in the bathroom. With the D&C, I had a lot less bleeding and I recovered faster emotionally as well as physically. (Sorry for the details, but as I said, this is for my memory that Mother Nature sometimes robs us of.) The great thing right now, is I am feeling better and I can feel the baby fluttering. It is comforting to know that it is okay when I feel it after all the worrying. I wanted to wait before I had Kensley, but Matt wanted to get our family here. Once I was pregnant with her, I kind of regretted it because shortly after I found out my dad was in need of a kidney and I could not be the person to give him one. Then to want a boy and get girl number 3 was kind of disappointing to me as well. On top of that we all know the horrible pregnancy I had with breaking my knee cap and elbow and then going into preterm labor. 3 months on the couch stinks. Every minute feels like an hour. When all was said and done, I could not live my life without her. She was exactly what my family needed. I feel really bad that I ever thought I did not want her. This being said, I am going into this with the faith of knowing that this baby will be like Kensley is, exactly what this family needs. Knowing this is comforting. I am always so glad that the Lord understands what my family needs even though I may not agree at the time. We had a surprise pregnancy in November 2011. Matt was so unhappy. I was too sick to care. I did not know that I was pregnant until December. We were not trying to have a baby and it just happened, you would thing 7 years of us not having a baby we knew what we were doing. I was on some medications that clearly state not to take if you are trying to get pregnant. I was not trying. Once I found out I stopped taking them. I felt sick, but also felt like it just wasn't going to happen. I told the kids because I was sick and needed there help and understanding. Kyson didn't seem to think that much would change for him, Kaylen and Kensley was super excited and Kelsey was mad. Kelsey said she felt I was busy enough with the 4 of them and my job. She was upset. I took her to my first OB appointment so she could see if the baby was alive or not and then if it was, I hoped she would bond to seeing it. It worked. She was there and once she saw the heartbeat she stopped complaining. I had to make a plan. Kensley had started school full time and it was only a few months since I had not needed a baby sitter for her. If felt I could just follow the same baby sitting arrangement that I had used for Kensley on the new baby. I worked out all the details in my head and I was at peace. Then I miscarried. I struggled because I felt at fault for taking medications before and felt that I caused it. Even though I did not. My doctor assured me it was not due the medication I was on. We had nicked named that baby as Baby Bean. I struggled in knowing if this was the right note to end my child barring years on. Someone once told me you always regret the one you did not have. Many months of prayer later, in August of 2012 I told Matt I finally felt at peace with Baby Bean and our family and that it was time to make the move forward with our life and looked forward to grandkids. I find it funny that I mistook the spirit's answer of peace with my family as we were done having kids. Funny, it turns out it is because we were having one more and the Lord knew that it was the peaceful answer so that I would stop asking about it. I grew up in a family that there was a 15 year span between myself and my brother. My brother moved out when I was 3 years old. I hardly knew him. He is more like an uncle to me than a brother. I hated that situation growing up. I was an aunt at age 6. It was odd. I did not get to now my grandparents well. Just my mothers dad is the only one that I got to know. All of the others died before I was born or old enough to remember them. I wanted my children to know all of there grandparents. I stared having kids in my 20's and it worked. They all have great memories made of my parents and Matt's. We are blessed they are all still in our lives. Know I am following in my parents footsteps. My son is 15 years old and I am having a baby. Crazy! I know the situation. I just pray my parents health keeps up so that this child knows the great legacy where they come from. So that brings me to my thoughts and being up to speed at this moment. My belly is growing. The baby is growing. People are starting to ask me if I am expecting because I have not told a lot of people due to the above history, and I have been too sick and just trying to survive. The other day a guy at work told me I was glowing. I laughed and said that is because I was pregnant. He was taken back surprised. Then said "What is this number 4 for you?" I had to tell him 5. Someone who knew I was pregnant told me people where questioning each other because of my belly. She asked why I did not say anything. I told her I have trouble with miscarry. That it is just best to let things lie incase something happens. If I miscarry I could just disappear for a few days and never have to explain it. To tell you the truth, since August peace of revelation, I had my mind set that my family was complete. I can not picture myself with a Baby. I have two teenagers and a preteen. A huge generation gap, how could I relate to teens an 8 year old girl and a baby? Besides, after Kensley I gave away everything of my baby gear to my niece. I have nothing, and I have a home built for old people, including larger door frames. Seems so odd to raise a baby here. I just have not been able to stop thinking that I am going to lose this baby and it is just a matter of time before it dies. That is what the last 4 months I have been preparing for. However, here were still are with a baby moving inside and growing. Good thing Baby Bean gave me the thought to preplan. I am starting to think we may be having a baby? So how do I feel emotionally? Terrified. There is no hidden misunderstanding on what a baby brings... Work... worry... Debt.... lack of sleep. I already have all those things with the four I have now. Matt and I just got to the point where we bought a car with no built in car seats and automatic doors because our kids were old enough. We just got our freedom of hey, lets go out to dinner and not have to worry about baby sitters. Our kids do not need our supervision all the time. They bath themselves. Sometimes they even do it on there own choice without me asking. They can fix themselves Mac and Cheese or a sandwich if they are hungry. They can get themselves a drink without my help. I have reached utter freedom and now, I see binding myself back to being in demand. I will have to go back to picking up the house searching for anything that a baby can stick in there mouth. I am going to have to set the rule that all toilet seats must be closed, and baby proof this house and the outlets. I bought a kitchen table that fits 6 people just fine. Know I need one that seats at least 7 to have my family able to sit together. Breast feeding while working full time? How? I did it when I worked part time and it was hard. But I know I want that for this baby as I did it for 3 out of my 4 children and want that for this one. Then there is all the knew baby stuff. I looked through the baby isle of Walmart. WOW! Things have changed in the 8 years. Baby's eat baby food out of a pack of mush that has a sort of straw and not a jar. Diapers are more expensive. All this BPA free stuff. New set of rules and regulations. Can't we just keep this simple? It is hard to picture me dealing with these things. I am trying to gear up for it. Pray for us. With all this thought, I can say I am so glad for understanding of what I lacked with Kensley. The Lord knows what this family needs and I take it with full heart of gratitude. I just pray for the ability to be the mother that all my kids deserve. That is what terrifies me the most.