About 4 years ago, I recall having a conversation with my husband in which I told him how I felt. I remember telling him I am not happy. Nothing that he could do about it, but I have struggled with this subject just about every day. I think that daily tasks on my list of things to do just get so great, and I have just not learned to completely let things go. Daily, the list would bog me down tell I would get frustrated with my kids, my husband and my life. Every night, I would not go to bed until my list of things to do for that day was completed. Then, as other things came up, I would have to squeeze them in-between. Why can't I find happiness in that I have a family to do them for and a body that allows me to do it?
So, last night, I decided to go into my older childrens bed room and just lay next to them in bed, to take a moment at a time when they were quiet, still, and peaceful, maybe I could find my joy there... As I lay watching Kaylen, I took a deep breath and told myself to find joy in this soon to be 10 year old girl. Then it hit me, she is growing out of this childs body fast. Look how she sleeps, she still drools on her pillow like she did as a baby, (I smiled), then she picked up her arm and started scratching a patch of eczema. (She had fought with eczema most her life and I thought she has had it under control). I watched as she scratched and then rolled back over. The next morning she woke up and explained that she was bleeding on her arm. Hum. I then told her it was because she had scratched herself at night. She asked me how I new. I told her because I watched her do it. She and Kesley both started to giggle. (I smiled).
Also last night I went into my 11 year olds sons room, he was awake, he always is because he has trouble sleeping. I laid there and he asked me to sing him the "Cherry Song", his favorite lullaby that I used to hum to all my babies when I fed them or held them to sleep. "Sure" I said and sang the song as I tickled his face softly. I then began to think, take a moment and find the joy in this child. I thought came to me.. "soon this soft childs face will have the bumps of acne and ruff prickle of a 5 O'clock shadow." (I smiled) and began to allow my fingertips to softly glide around his cheeks, eyes and cute nose, feeling how smooth and perfect his skin is and his perfect shape of his face.
Be what it may, lastnight, although very late and tiered, I forced myself out of bed to claim my days worth of joy and happiness. Busy life, never ending to do list are always there, but if I can find something to bring me joy or happiness once a day, maybe from there I can learn to extended it out to an every moment, every second occurance. As with most things, baby steps.
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